The One Skill Kids Need to Resolve Conflicts

"You always break my stuff!"
"If you don't play pirates I'm not going to be your friend anymore."

I know you hear phrases like these all the time. I definitely do. 

When people are mad they blame, threaten and call names.
It's normal for kids to lash out when they're mad. And it's normal for fights to escalate until a caregiver steps in to solve the problem and dole out punishments.

Fights are where kids learn how to resolve conflict. If kids fight in this typical way, they may become adults who blame, threaten and call names.

Instead, kids can learn to resolve conflicts respectfully by using I-statements.  

I-statements show respect and they work.
I-statements, like "I feel sad that you don't want to play pirate with me" immediately change the dynamic of a fight. They quiet the moment and put the focus on feelings. It's so much easier for kids to solve a problem when they first hear how the other kid feels. Hearing an I-statement engages their empathy.  

I-statements always start with a feeling.
I'm scared or I feel ashamed not, "I'm leaving"! One of the cool things about I-statements is that they help kids identify their feelings. Kids are usually mad during a fight but underneath that anger is often (read always) an emotion like sadness, loneliness or fear. 

We can help children broaden their emotional vocabulary by playing games like feelings charades so they are better able to label how they feel when using I-statements. 

Kids need us to coach them to use I-statements.
Lots of kids have heard the phrase, it's okay to be mad but it's not okay to be mean. But many kids don't know what to say when they're mad instead of the mean things that come to mind. They need us to coach, "tell him how you feel." Sometimes they need us to give them a script, "try, I'm mad and disappointed because I want to play pirates with you." The other kid might need coaching too. A script like, "I'm sorry you're sad but I really want to play legos." 

During some fights we have to remind kids to use I-statements several times. Like, "that's a threat, try telling her how you feel." "It's not okay to call names, try saying I feel scared..." 

It's kind of weird to tell kids exactly what to say. But I believe that communication skills like other skills (soccer skills, math skills, nunchuck skills) have to be explicitly taught before kids can practice them on their own. 

This doesn't mean we need to hover over kids as they play waiting to coach them through every disagreement. But I do think we need to be aware of kids' conversations so that we can seize such opportunities to teach kids to how to use I-statements.

Over time kids start to use I-statements on their own.
You know what this means don't you? They need less help from us! It also means our kids are on the path to be adults who say, "I'm kind of hurt that you cancelled our plans" instead of "you always...!" 

"Ask If She Wants a Hug." Teaching Kids About Consent

When I was a nanny my littlest kid was crazy cute. They were all cute of course but Junie got extra attention for her adorable curls, bright eyes and round cheeks. Everybody wanted to hug her. 

She got sick of it. 

Junie does not owe anyone hugs because she's cute.
I want all kids to receive the message from me that they are in charge of their own bodies. That they're not obligated to hug or kiss anyone, regardless of social pressure to do so.

Others should ask her and wait for a "yes" before they move in for a hug.
It was hard for my other nanny kids to resist the urge to hug her. But they learned to ask, "can I hug you?" and wait to hear her answer. This rule extended to others too - little brothers, babies we met at the park. 

Her parents and I encouraged her to say, "no thanks" if she was not into it. 
The upside to this situation was that Junie got lots of practice setting boundaries about her body and her personal space. I stayed close and prompted her to look right at the space-invading friend and say, "please back up" or "I'd like more space please" or "no." 

Learning to give and get consent starts in early childhood. 
When kids give and get consent about hugs and kisses, they're not thinking about it as practice for sexual encounters in young adulthood. But I am. I want kids to know deep in their guts that they don't have to accept unwanted touch. I love it when kids learn it's their responsibility to get consent before touching someone else. And I welcome opportunities for them to practice setting clear boundaries when they don't want to be touched. 

Sometimes though, they do want a hug or kiss! They say, "yes!" and get to experience how fantastic it is to want affection, say yes to it and feel great about getting it. That's really fun too. 

Learning To Be Assertive Starts on the Playground

My seven year old daughter, Charlotte ran to the swing but another girl got there first. So Charlotte silently backed up to wait. A few other girls showed up and started taking turns with the first swinger. Charlotte backed up further.

As grown-ups can attest, it's scary to speak up for yourself.
Can't we identify with Charlotte's feelings of insecurity as she wished the other girls would notice her and offer her a turn? The last thing she wanted to do was to speak up for herself.

People often stay quiet and get mad instead of being assertive. 
I watched an adult get overlooked at a fast food restaurant the other day. He didn't say a word to the (well meaning and busy) restaurant employees. He stood silent until he was so mad he shouted his complaints over the counter. 

Being assertive isn't the same as being aggressive. 
Being assertive is speaking up in a kind, clear way before you're mad. For the man in the restaurant it would have meant saying, "Excuse me, I'd like to order and I think I've been overlooked." Done. Simple. No hurt feelings.  

So what makes it so scary? Why do so many of us resist being assertive? I think we fear rejection. I know Charlotte did. She worried the girls on the swing might be mean to her. But practicing being assertive with those girls, right there on the playground was THE THING that would help Charlotte learn to become an assertive person for life.  

It's easier for kids to be assertive if we stay close by. 
I'll be the first to admit that it's tempting for me to walk away from kids' conflicts and to let them work it out completely on their own. But while Charlotte summoned the courage to be assertive she needed me close by. Not to rescue her and speak for her. But to suggest she look right at the girls and ask politely for a turn. To model that I assumed the girls weren't intentionally overlooking her and to show her that I felt confident they'd listen to her. To stand by. To have her back. 

Speaking up for yourself in a kind, clear way works every time. 
Charlotte did speak up, the girls did listen. And that's what I find, with kids and with adults. Being assertive works. Being kind and clear to another person invites them to be kind and clear right back.

And when it doesn't work, it still does. Here's what I mean: When we are kind and clear we can feel proud of treating ourselves and others with respect. Regardless of the other person's response, that's always a win. And that's a lesson I want kids to learn from me.

A kid who can be assertive on the playground becomes a tween who's assertive with peers, a young adult who's assertive with boyfriends, a grown-up who's assertive with coworkers. 
The swing situation was not really about the swing. It was one small chance for Charlotte to practice being assertive so she will feel more confident the next time she needs to speak up, and the next, and next. That's what we're doing, helping kids build life skills. And if I'm being honest, relearning some ourselves.

"Can Adam Wear a Dress?" Kids and Gender Roles

When my daughter was six she drew a picture of our family. Her then three year old brother, Adam watched as she detailed a dress on the stick figure that was to be her. When she finished he said, "draw a dress on me!" Stunned, she turned to me and asked, "what do I do?" 

Just like that, I'd been given a teachable moment. With both of their little eyes staring at me it was clear that my response would be formative in my kids' understanding of gender. 

I was reminded of two things: how much influence we have on our kids and how narrow gender roles remain in our culture. Charlotte froze-up because she knew there was some kind of rule against drawing a boy in a dress. Where did she learn that rule? During the million small moments that led to this one. At Target while watching me buy (another) spiderman teeshirt for her brother. In the kitchen where I regularly handed her the pink cup. During dress-up when it's assumed she'd want a tutu. Yes, marketers have cashed in on gender stereotypes and are reinforcing them with pink legos and blue battle toys. But I am humbled to realize that I reinforce gender stereotypes in small ways all the time. 

I believe that women are fully capable of leading or fighting or inventing just as men are fully capable of caring and following and intuiting. And I sure as hell don't want my kids to think that their choices in life are limited by gender. Not to mention the fact that I want to give each of them every opportunity to express a full range of emotions so neither feels stifled by outdated ideas like, "boys don't cry" or "girls don't get mad."

So how big of a deal was the, "draw a dress on me" moment? Pretty big. Would I have other opportunities? For sure, a million of them. As we know, nothing shapes a person more than the messages they receive in childhood from those they love and look up to. And such messages are delivered in small, everyday moments by you and me.

Charlotte did not need a lecture. She would not have listened if I attempted to define gender roles. What she wanted to know was what I believed was right and she would get that from my tone more than anything else. So, like happens often while parenting I had to think fast, figure out what I do believe and deliver that message simply and with confidence: "Boys can wear whatever they want. It's okay to draw a dress on Adam." 

Gender questions are going to come up again and again for all parents. Here's what to do.

1. Become aware of your deeply held beliefs about gender like what boys and girls are capable of, interested in, allowed to do. 

2. Throw out any beliefs about gender that you don't actually, believe. 

3. Let your true beliefs about gender guide our parenting even in small, everyday moments.

Classic Childhood Games

Follow the Leader. Hide and Seek. Simon Says. Red Light Green Light. Tag. You don't need equipment. Kids of different ages can play together. They're super fun. And they're spilling over with life lessons. 

Yesterday, the kids and I were playing Follow the Leader and I was struck by what a wonderful metaphor it is and how many skills they were building as we played. Each one took a turn leading - even the littlest. They especially liked leading me. One was having a hard time getting the others to follow him.  We had a quick exchange about how to invite friends to follow and lead in such a way that they could keep up. 

Since there's so many versions of tag, kids get to practice teamwork and communication skills as they decide what the rules will be. Sometimes I like to ask them, "how are you guys going to make sure everybody stays safe while you play? "They brainstorm a short list - no tagging with a stick - hands only, tag gently, only on the body - not the face. 

Simon Says and Red Light Green Light are great for listening and following directions. Plus, how much do you love the empowered face of a toddler as she shouts, "red light!" I like a free for all version of Red Light Green Light - it's not competitive, just fun. I call out things like, "green light, be a monkey!" "Red light." "Green light, pretend you're in sticky gooey mud." The options are endless for how the kids can move and express themselves. ...Really tires them out for nap. 

If "play is the work of childhood" as the psychologist Piaget said, these classic games are easy opportunities for kids to work on social skills while getting exercise and having a ball.  And they barely need us grownups to help them play - which is just exactly how it should be.